06 April 2006
* A very private person. *
This is interesting.
Okay so Casey's floor had a cocktail party last night so he was fairly drunk, he came to visit me at like 12:50ish while I was studying for my Eco test that I had this morning. I was talking to Caitlin on msn so he takes the computer and starts talking to Caitlin on msn and pretending to be me. Meanwhile i'm sitting on my bed studying a practice test.
So anyway, he won't let me read what he's saying to Caitlin. I try and call her to tell her it isn't me but he hangs up the phone.
The silly boy doesn't realise that I can read the message history. I read it last night after he left and im reading it now... it kinda makes me want to cry... in a good way I think. Oh and he assumes that I tell Caitlin a lot more than I actually tell her. I tell her some things, like the usual "i'm gonna go watch tv with casey" and "i fell asleep up there" and when I was drunk one time I told her something else but it was like a month ago now.
i'm tempted to post the conversation on here... but everytime I read it the terrible spelling annoys me. And + it's fairly private.
Oh yeah like privacy's ever stopped me before. Bleh.
05 April 2006
* Create. *
=this post is kind of a bit more... open than my usual posts... sorry for the incon.=
Yes, lets put my boyfriend and the boy I kissed one night while drunk and angry at my boyfriend in my bedroom and see what happens. Yes. Lets. Nah i've already written about this before, but I was going for a more interesting opening paragraph than what I used last time. I think they're both weird around each other. Possibly why Casey didn't want to come to the labour club on monday, okay he said he had work to do but when I went to visit him at like 7:30ish he was lying on bed watching tv coz he'd just eaten. But if the situation were reversed then I wouldn't have gone either.
Hanging out with him today he says "I need to talk to you about something". Then there's a pause, then there's a kiss, then he says "another time".
I don't know what he was going to talk to me about. It was one of two options in my head. Either a) sex, or b) love. We've already has the sex discussion (ages ago) but that doesn't mean it won't come up again. Neither option I particularly want to talk about... especially the second one.
I don't particularly want to explain to my boyfriend that I don't believe that you can be 'in love' with someone, I believe that you can love someone, in the deep-caring way, but I think being 'in love' is just a shmozzle. So if he says it to me i'm not going to be able to say it back. But I know me. So I know that I am going to say it back. And i'm not going to mean it. So it's all gonna end up as shit. I'm kinda hoping i'm just gonna fall in it before it comes to the crunch.
Okay so this blog is totally turning Casey-centric. It's annoying. Argh. Probably more annoying for everybody reading this than it is for me. But imagine this kind of stuff going through your head 24hrs a day 7 days a week and then you have my life. Argh I hate it.
* Barely know anything. *
So Casey's sittin on my bed and we're chatting about something, probably the economics test that is sitting between us and Damian comes up to say hi. The conversation went alright for a little while, Damian had a test and I had sent him a "I hope it went/is going/will go okay" voicemail message. So he came up after he got it. So Damian and Casey actually converse about the test "how was it?" "Nazi lady?" etc etc. This goes on for about a fifth of an A4 page before Casey says he'll see me later and grabs his baking tray and leaves. Then I chat to Damian for a bit longer and he just left. Damian's already told me that he thinks being around Casey is weird coz of the whole kiss thing but he seemed alright. Casey left pretty quickly but he only came to pick up his tray.
Got a sms from Aaron about an hour ago, Aaron is the guy I met at uni bar last week. He wanted to know if I was going to the party tomorrow and I said I would probably be there with some friends and my boyfriend. Lol, yeah just slip that one in there subtly. Nah he knows I have a boy.
So anyway... i've watched the Oc with casey every week since our first 'date-thing' but last night I was grumpy again and really didn't feel like going. So I sat on the computer for a while. Got a call at 8:35 saying "you're not here" and i'm like "omg what time is it?" and I said I had work and he told me to stay and do my work then but I went up anyway and watched the OC and then Rove (omg the Whitlams were on rove!!! wooo!!) and then some of the news until he pretty much fell asleep so I went back to my common room, cooked spring rolls for dinner and then went to bed.
When I got to his room he asked if anything was wrong and I told him I was grumpy "are you grumpy with me?" "no, i'm just generally grumpy, and tired" "well go to bed then" "okay" and I close my eyes and try to sleep "not here, in your own bed =p"
I duno.
I duno.
I duno.
I duno.
I've been telling everyone about my freaky dream and they all seem to think i'm seriously disturbed. Like Damian just sat there with his mouth open, Adam thought I was insane, Caitlin thinks i'm worried about something, and Casey thought I was mentally ill, before rolling over and going back to sleep.
I'm really having trouble concentrating today, and yesterday, and monday, and on the weekend. I think i'm too close to the "lets go home" senario to concentrate on uni work anymore. Sucks coz I got a 30% tomorrow morning and I barely know anything.
04 April 2006
* Go on without it. *
I've finally cracked into the two-minute noodles. Argh! See i'm trying to get rid of all my food before I leave on friday. So currently in my fridge there is margarine, two eggs, a packet of microwaveable vegetables, seven smirnoffs, in the main freezer there is about 8 slices of bread... and in my cupboard there is one packet of two-minute noodles, tomato sauce, lots of hot chocolate, and a fun-packet of rice bubbles.
Caitlin and I are going shopping this afternoon. Possibly i'll have the vegetables tonight, i'm probably gonna just throw out the eggs unless someone else wants them, i'll eat the other packet of two-minute noodles for lunch tomorrow, the rice bubbles i'll probably crack in to in a couple of minutes, Maybe i'll buy something to put on the bread so I can get through that, if I buy a jar of nutella I can just take it home over the break anyway. That might work. Dinner on thurs is Caitlin and I cooking for the boys, so we have to think of something. I won't eat lunch on thursday coz I never have time, Caitlin and I are going clothes shopping at 3:30 right after class coz I need something for Stephy's and Jasha's. I might grab something from the food court at like 5 when all the shops close.
Since the bus on friday leaves at like 1, I might grab something in Civic beforehand for lunch.
Oh yeah, all my clothes are too big. Mainly my pants. I don't think I have a pair of pants left that don't make me look like a guy wearing his pants around his ankles. As soon as my parents get back i'm going shopping with mum and try to get her to buy me some new clothes. Argh its so annoying.
03 April 2006
* Hope *
I'm having doubts about the whole thing. Like seriously. We have absolutely nothing in common, i'm serious. He likes sport. Argh sport.
Caitlin, Shannon, Adam and I went to the labour club for dinner, Casey didn't want to come coz he has too much work, Damian, John, John and Jeremy were annoying and skipped out on us and went early coz they were hungry. Damian didn't even tell me he was going with them so if I hadn't have seen him I would've ended up waiting for him. Argh. Anyway we got McFlurry's on the way back and Caitlin and Shannon sat in my room for a bit. Then they left. I was half way up the corridoor to go see Casey when I heard his voice in the common room and just turned around. I don't know why. Well okay, I do know why. It's just that I'm kinda uncomfortable hanging around with him and his friends unless it's Nunny of Jeff. I don't know many of the others on his floor cept for John, John, Logan, Jeremy, or Bec. So i'm fine with all of them, but I don't know anyone else... so it's weird. So now i'm sitting in my room on my stupid computer complaining to myself. I haven't had the most self-esteem filled day.
My tutor in management asked me a question, well she asked my group but she used my name because she knows it now. Argh. I'm completely fine working in a group of four going through and working out the answers and even doing most of the talking. Some guy Dave didn't say a word and the lady next to me said a couple of things but really Megan and I did most of the talking. But when i'm asked to share our already-formulated answers with the rest of the class I completely freeze up. I have no idea what to say and from then until the end of class I just sit staring at my books. It's really getting to be a problem. And then I completely scream at myself on the inside for being such a pansy for the rest of the (up to a) week. I'm just really not good at this.
I'm just a bit unhappy at the moment. I promised myself that i'd finish chapter 5 and chapter 7 before I went to bed. But maybe i'll just read the paper and put on my Pj's. I'm kinda tired.
Do I like spending time with him? Or do I like the fact that he seems to like spending time with me?
It's actually the question that I havent had the guts to ask myself since I met him. Maybe I think to much. I don't know. It's just my head seems to keep going and going like the energiser bunny.
I wasn't doubting it earlier today, it's only since I bolted from the corridoor that this stuff has been pushed to the front of my mind.
I'm not gonna break up with him if that's what you're thinking.
But why not, if you're unhappy?
I never said I was unhappy
But have you EVER said that you were happy?
