19 May 2007
* Question. *
Why would you date someone who you know is not right for you?
Not a rhetorical question, I am actually wanting some answers if you guys don't mind.
So uh I think i've realised why i've started blogging again so suddenly. With Casey out of my life at the moment i've been talking less and less. So blogging is one way to get stuff out of my head. At least I know he's alive though because he's sometimes on msn. I mean we don't speak or anything but it's still a nice reassurance.
18 May 2007
* Fib *
I was having a good day, believe it or not. And good days are so scarce in my life at the moment that maybe it's the shock of being happy that has sent me into a spiral of depression. No it's probably not a spiral of depression, i'm just unhappy again.
So I woke up at about 11:15am by Caitlin calling me, I think I was awake before she called but I can't be completely sure. She wanted me to hand in her assignment for her because she's gone away for the weekend, so I got up, had a shower and washed my hair (only slightly hungover) and walked up to Caitlins, she was crazy busy packing and running around, so I took her assignment to building 6 and handed it in for her. Then I walked home in the rain without a jacket. Uh... and Cassie called me before I left for caitlins and asked if i could work so I worked from 5 to 9 pm tonight. Sold a number of shoes, bought shoes and a purse. :) Hehehehe. Jeremy's visiting this weekend so I said hey to him but didn't get to hang out.
On the way home I was hit with a wave of crappyness-feelin and so now im sitting in my room slightly hungry, rather cold, watching the AFL (which is really not helping me at all) and thinking about life.
Went to the bar last night, dad was sposed ot be visiting but he ditched me so I figured I should go out, drank a bit but really didn't get drunk. Will told me that I had to come on his radio show and chat, and he also told me (twice!) that i looked cool with curly hair. I'd straightened my hair at like 8pm and then it poored on the way to the bar so my hair went crazylike. Ran into Sophie, it was her 21st so I said happy birthday. Ben informed me (for the second time) that I am his favourite girl which is rather nice :) Saw Graham again but didn't say anything more than hello coz he was "on a mission", or so he said. Made Chev look after my purse for a while because I was worried about drunk dialing. Good thing I was completely exhausted when I got home so I didn't do it then. It was raining so we took the shuttle bus home, it had to go past the hospital first though because some guy had a broken jaw.
I let Chev set peanut butter traps in the boys bathroom on my floor. I haven't figured out if he got anyone but Will (different Will) said there was Peanut Butter everywhere.
So this holiday im going on in September, im worried about it. Because I want it to be a "lets play pretend" situation and if that was to happen then it would be perfect. The most wonderfullest perfect holiday ever. And I want that more than anything. I know it's like 4 months away but my actions now may have an impact on whats going to happen on the holiday. Or I may have absolutely no say in the matter.
Stoopid Adelaide beating Richmond. Poop-faces!!
Nobody will blog with me now. Its sad because I have nobody's blog to check for updates when I check for comments on my own. Disappointing.
oh yes and its difficult to be upset with somebody who you don't speak to on a regular basis. I mean we were very good friends until she got too good for me, found other friends, and tossed me out with the trash. Well that's just what it feels like.
I can't believe that my boss is only a year and a month older than I am. I feel so much younger.
I must remember to try and feel good about myself now and then, I may not deserve it, but there's nothing wrong with lying to yourself occasionally.
15 May 2007
So what are the thoughts on my new template? I'm not sure i'm happy with it completely because I just loved my old template sooo much. I thought it was perfect so I didn't want to change it at all.
Grrrrrrr im only blogging because I have a test tomorrow morning and I don't want to study for it. I'm such a fuckwit. Had a good talk with Elefant today, explained things to him and I think he understands the situation and why i'm acting the way i'm acting. I'm not sure if he will ever forgive me for it but at least he knows. Im thinking of studying Nonparametric Statistics next semester, it sounds good and even better coz i'm watching Numbers at the moment. Stats was my favourite subject last year by far and I think it would make sense to do more. Intro to Stats is a prerequisite and i haven't done that subject but I think Judith might let me get away with it because she knows I did Business Stats and she knows I do well. Meg said she might do it with me and Silvia might too so that would be excellent :)
I need a holiday. Like right at this moment I need to go to some random place and not be where I am. I was thinking Melbourne because i've been encouraged to go to Melbourne so much that I am fairly convinced that I would enjoy it. My tutor has been trying to call me. She called last thursday and I was at class and she probably tried to call this afternoon but i'm scared so I unplugged my phone. I know she's trying to help but I can't talk about whats going on without crying and I get very embarassed.
I'm going to lose all my friends next semester. Case is going to come back to R-top and it's gonna be weird hanging out up there, so he and all the boys are gonna hang up there and play drinking games and i'm going to be sitting in my room watching television. It's going to be pathetic.
13 May 2007
I worked it out, i'm completely pathetic to do so but i worked it out, 429 days. 429 days from our first kiss to our last kiss. And i calculated wrong, it's actually over 14 months.
Freeking worst day ever.
Oh and yeah I can't stop crying...
* Kath is: still having a crap life. Via Facebook. *
Still thinking about Casey,
So if you count our relationship officially we dated for a day under 7 months. Counting realistically, we were in some sort of relationship with each other for a week under 14 months. Maybe that's why i've been falling apart these past two weeks. Not handing in assignments even after they're due, not studying for tests, not going to classes, hanging out with friends as much as possible to prevent being alone and having to do work, watching massive amounts of tv shows off the network, staying up late, messaging people around the clock, forgetting to post mum a present for mothers day, shirking responsibility. I really don't feel like me anymore, don't know what happened to me, i've felt different for a while now, all year i think. Sure i changed somewhat last year by moving away, but this year i've changed so much, it's starting to worry me who i've become.
I really need a holiday, i want to go home like crazy but i can't during the week and i have so much work that its just not practical to spent 5 and a half hours on buses each way to see my family for two days.
It's almost 2pm and i'm still in bed, woke up at about 12 because i stayed up till 2am for no real reason, i was exhausted but i didn't feel like going to sleep. I really have to study for my test on wednesday and work on my presentation for thursday and my tute work for tuesday and thursday but i dont reckon i'll get much of it done, i mean i could get it done, but i probably wont.
I met Casey on the wednesday of O week last year, that was the week before classes started. So this is the first time i've ever felt completely alone on rez. I mean yeah i have great friends who are kinda-ish looking after me by visiting, and i got half a hug from john two weeks ago. There's this part on Gilmore Girls (omg i cant believe im making a gilmore girls reference, i feel utterly crap, but it fits) where Lorelai has just broken up with Luke and she's doing really badly and she calls him and leaves a message on his phone where she actually says that he's her best friend and this is the time that her best friend should come over the see if she's okay and he comes over to see if she's okay. Casey knows everything about me, even the crappy old stuff that nobody else her in berra knows, he knows me better than anyone and for some reason he fell in love with me. I can't believe it. I don't know why I have any friends let alone someone who loves me.
I want to talk to him like crazy, but I could never call him because this needs to be a clean break, especially with him maybe coming back to live in the building next semester. And it was me who did the breaking, so I have no right to ask for anything from him.
So I know it's been a while since i've properly blogged, but that's because i've been going through this, and I really feel like dropping out of Uni, or changing me degree because business degrees completely suck, and doing something more interesting, like travelling or writing or learning to draw, or taking photographs or designing web pages or writing music, or working at a hotel or a cafe or learning Japanese or learning how to cook properly, or opening a shoe store in australia that sells shoes separately so you can buy different sizes for each foot, or joining a netball team again (omg I miss sport completely) or learning how to trade on the stock exchange properly or learning how to make my own clothes or anything.
Instead i'm going to open up DC++ and download random television episodes of random television shows until i am completely busting to go to the bathroom because i dont want to walk through the common room and see people. And I think i shall have pasta for lunch/breakfast.
