26 May 2007
* Comments? Thoughts? Opinions? I don't have any. *
Wow. Okay so it just took me about 2 and a half hours to try and fix up my photo album. Before I had it on random rotation wish 6 photos coming up everytime you clicked on the page. I liked it and I would have kept it except i wanted them to be clickable so you can get to a bigger version of the pic. I couldn't find out how to do that with them on random rotation so I just put them all up. Was wondering your thoughts on the whole situation. I could change it back to having a couple of random ones coming up everytime but I don't mind it how it is at the moment.
Worked for 7 hours today, it was quiet for a saturday. Cassie rostered me on for the Wednesday when I have two exams even after I told her I couldn't work and wrote it in the book. So natasha changed it and put me on the saturday after and the saturday before. Means i'll have worked 5 weekends in a row (two fridays + 3 saturdays) when I'm only sposed to be working mondays and wednesdays. I'm happy for the extra cash and i've got a little bit of time because its not like ive even thought about studying for my exams yet. I'm actually not too sure if I will. Might do some Business Finance tonight before bed even though my eyes are hurting like crazy. Maybe have some chocolate.
Not sure how life is going at the moment. Feel a bit crazy sometimes. I dance in the backroom at work while i'm getting shoeboxes, and sing while i'm dusting and stuff. It's weird. I only made about $500 today. We didn't do amazingly. But it was nice coz we just chatted a bit and I got to go on a massive break, I had an hour and Natasha let me have some extra coz it was quiet so Caitlin and i tried on clothes in Myer. I wish there was a target coz Kmart clothes are crappy. We looked at the bras though coz I we both want to get pretty ones but her problem is she doesn't have the spare cash and my problem is that they don't make anything nice in my price. Maybe I should get a reduction, I don't know. I just googled it. Found out some interesting information. Scars and not being able to breast feed and pain for like a year possibly. I mean they don't cause me back problems really. I would only be doing it because they stop me from playing any kind of sport, running around in general, and finding a swimwuit that fits. It just sucks.
25 May 2007
* Used to be @ Camp *
Tonight is the Op Shop Ball and i'm sitting in my room occasionally eating chocolate and being bummed that i'm not going. I decided I wasn't going weeks ago and I regret the decision now but I chose it as part of my punishment for all the bad things i've done lately. I shouldn't be allowed to have fun when everything else in my life is going down the toilet. It's just not fair.
Yes I know. Things suck so I deliberately make myself unhappier.
I'm all depressed again. Sucks wang. Dad visited today and it was really nice to see him. We went over some work together and then he took me to chinese for lunch and bought me some groceries. I just want to be on holidays already but I'm going to fail possibly all of my subjects this semester and so I don't deserve to get what I want.
I'm really having problems at the moment and I really don't know how to fix them. I can't study, I try and its basically impossible to concentrate. Might be easier tonight with everyone out, maybe I can study in the common room to give me some space.
I think I shall pick Business Finance and start studying. One subject at a time. Finance first because it's studyable. OP second coz it's also doable. GBR might be doable but I have to do the essay before I even think about studying for the exam otherwise theres no point.
Used to dream big.
24 May 2007
I'm sick of thinking about stuff! I'm sick of thinking. Full Stop. I need to not think. That would be fantastic. It's why i'm totally looking forward to holidays because I can work and hang out and do whatever the hell I want without having to think about stuff. I want to work heaps and heaps and heaps but I know they won't be able to give me the hours. My plan is to keep this job as long as I can but at christmas i'll probably have to leave coz I have nowhere to live, they'll probably replace me and I wont be able to come back in Feb. Sucks balls. Cassie and Natasha are in charge and they're both only 20. It's nice to be in a young working environment. Sucks though coz Kiri and Fushia are still in school and can't cover my shift if it's during the week (which is when I work).
I want to hit my head on something really hard and forget everything. Like absolutely everything. Not just the casey stuff that i've been thinking about lately, but like everything. I just think it would be interesting to form new opinions about friends and people and stuff. Although it would probably suck for other people.
I'm still playing assassins
* just a teenager. dont forget. *
The internet's been down on res for the past couple of days. I emailed casey just before it went down, It didn't feel like a moment of weakness which is what I would have expected to be the cause of contact with him. It was more realisation. It was just a short email saying that I was reading old blog posts and remembering some of the shit that happened between us and remembering the good things too. Well he replied. And it wasn't very pretty. And now i'm feeling like shit all over again.
The more and more I see him this year (and the end of last year) the more I worry that my friend john is an ass. He has a lot of opinions, and I am learning not to care about them.
I am dying to see my family, and to just be back home. I'm working this saturday (the third weekend in a row) which will be good and it shall be nice and busy and I will hopefully not have to dust or take the rubbish out (which is scary) and I can just concentrate on work.
Worst part? I can see myself with Casey. Like in the big-time future. Like travelling and taking the kids to football practice and helping them with their homework and going out to the pub (not with the kids). And going out to nice dinners and living in Melbourne (which i wouldn't mind doing now that I really think about it). And learning to cook. And running my own business. And being home at night with him and snuggling in front of the tv watching some crappy show but watching it because we're together.
But nobody stays married to their first boyfriend/girlfriend. So me seeing all those things worries me. I mean if we were to stay together for a (quite large) number of years then we couldn't take the next step and get married because he would have been the only guy i've ever dated. And that means the marriage would not work out. And I couldn't bare that happening. So perhaps being apart is a good thing, and maybe one day we'll cross paths again when we're ready. Or when i'm ready. It's just so hard to let it go.
21 May 2007
* Juice + Muffin = Bad *
I feel sick from the food I have eaten today.
I had this dream last night that I was like all lightheaded and going to faint and then today at work I was like all lightheaded and stuff. Maybe I was lightheaded while I was sleeping... is that possible?
My room is messy and im cold so I think I might turn my heater on. I was all stressed today about going to my GBR tute tomorrow because I still haven't handed in my essay but when I checked my emails there was one from the lecturer saying that my tute and another tutorial were cancelled for the rest of the semester. We're sposed to go to other tutorials to get participation marks so i'll see if I can make it to another one.
Should I explain about this essay? Since i'm on an honesty binge at the moment I suppose I might. I am absolutely terrible at any subject Politics related, I don't like them and I'm not good at them. So anyway I'm doing Government-Business Relations this semester and I don't like it at all. I mean the lecturer is really good and my tutor is nice and I learn lots but it's just not a subject I have any interest in whatsoever so I avoid it as much as possible. So anyway we had this essay that was due first day back after the two week break. I had the flu for the entire break (well most of the break) so I went to the Doctor and got a certificate which gave me a two week extension. That means the essay was due on the monday of week 12. It is now week 14 and I have yet to hand in my essay. I just couldn't do it. I tried to start heaps of times and I just couldn't get any research done or anything. So I emailed my lecturer and tutor and told them that I was going to drop the course. They both replied telling me that we could work something out and I shouldn't drop the subject so late in the semester because i'd have to do it again later anyway.
I'm just not sure what to do now. I'm too embarassed to show up for tutorials or even go to lectures. I'm just kinda stuck. And it didn't really help that (including the extension) it was due the monday after casey left on the saturday. No way I could have gotten any work done that weekend.
20 May 2007
Virgin girl asks her boyfriend to come over and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
If you DON'T re-post this in 1 minute you will have bad sex for life!!! &while i'm at it. Because u opened this, u will get kissed on friday by the person u luv!! & 2morrow will be da best day of ur life, so DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN!!!!!! IF U BREAK IT, U WILL HAVE RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS FOR THE NEXT TEN YEARS!!!!!!!!
So I posted this not because I was afraid of having bad sex for life, but because I want to be kissed on friday and I want tomorrow to be the best day of my life. I really didn't even think it was that funny. Oh and I hate people who get your email address for some reason (for example a group uni assignment) and then think that they can email you chain emails and that's okay. Blerg it's just annoying. I want to eat the muffin, can i? If I buy another packet tomorrow? I probably shouldn't just in case they don't have any more.
Oh yeah and I know i'm posting heaps and heaps lately but i'm in an old-school mood and blogging has become old-school for me. Oh and comments on my "the honest and ugly truth" post would be much appreciated, I would like to know what you guys think. Honestly.
* Old Times. *
I woke up about two hours ago, and i've spent those past two hours reading my old blog posts from the beginning of uni last year. It's bringing back all these memories. I'd forgotten so much of the stuff that had happened.
I'm thinking I just want to be friends with Timmy. Okay so kissing and all that stuff is great and its nice to get the attention and feel wanted but I've liked other guys the same way I like him, or even more, and i've settled into just being friends with them no problem.
I reckon most of the difference between hooking up with someone or becoming friends with them is chance. There are misunderstandings that can cause you to become just friends. You each think the other is not interested (that has happened to me before). Or maybe one of you is involved with somebody else at the time which causes you to become just friends and stay as friends even if you both end up single later on (I believe that has also happened to me). Or both of you are just too slow to make the first move so one of you moves on and you become friends.
It's just luck and chance. I don't believe in fate. The problem is then going back to being friends after kissing has happened on a regular basis. Especially if it's not just a guy you've met, it's a guy who is friends with your friends and regularly appears around the place and who has nice friends that you see often and think are great and want to have a good relationship with.
Oh and yeah the crying for yesterday happened just as I jumped into bed after I had finished that blog post. Stupid Stupid.
I'm wearing my necklace which I know is bad but I just feel kinda safe with it on.
It's now 2:12PM and i've needed to go to the bathroom since I woke up at 11:30am. I should probably get up soon. Maybe I shall wash my hair today so I can straighten it tonight. Think i shall not sms Timmy for a while, I shall wait for him to sms me first and if he doesn't ask me out on a real date in the next couple of weeks I shall just let the relationship go. I'm not going to push it anymore, it's all up to him.
* The Honest and Ugly Truth *
So I am trying this new thing called honesty.
Did I even tell you guys what happened? Like what happened between Case and I? I don't think I have, probably because I didn't want all my friends to know what an arsehole I actually am. But I think I should come clean, because I don't want anyone to think it was his fault that we broke up. I owe him that.
I cheated on him. Case and I have been officially broken up since the 2nd of January when he left Sydney and went back to Melbourne. We still talked almost every day though, filling each other in on how our lives were going and all that stuff. So it was rather like we were still together. But he wasn't around and I was trying to get used to that fact, I was going out and occasionally flirting. One week I got completely sick of missing him and thinking about him that I asked me friend John to find me a man. We went out three times that week (very unusual for us, but friday was the radio launch and we went to the lighty on wednesday) and over those three nights he introduced me to seven men (some he knew, some he didnt) to try and fix me up with them. It might have been the week after at Uni bar when he introduced me to his friend Timmy (for the second time), so we chatted because ran off somewhere and I was bored and Joly was there too and I absolutely love Joly. So anyway I was having a fine time chatting with the two of them (Joly & Timmy) so when all my friends left I didn't really mind that much, I was doing the BBQ for the radio at the bar so I really had to stay anyway. I knew enough people around not to be worried about walking home by myself. So anyway the night got on and I was tired and I asked the boys how they were going home and joly said he would probably sleep in his car which was back at arscott and I assumed timmy would sleep on johns floor. So us three took the shuttle bus back to arscott and spent about an hour banging on johns door trying to wake him up so they had somewhere to stay. Anyway to cut a long story short Joly slept in his car and Timmy ended up sleeping on my floor. Yes on my floor, not in my bed, nothing happened between us, we got along fine so I gave him a place to sleep. Because I am a nice person.
So anyway Timmy slept on my floor a second time in the following weeks. Then at the beginning of April there was an ID party in civic and we all went and Timmy kissed me. He slept in my room that night but we didn't sleep together. Geez I am NOT that easy!
I can't really remember exactly but I think Timmy and I kissed on another two occasions within two weeks. I was speaking to Case on the phone one day and he asked how many guys I had kissed and I couldnt lie so I told him what had happened. I was missing him so much that I called up Timmy the next day and told him we couldn't kiss anymore because I still had feelings for my ex and he was kinda shocked and a bit hurt. So anyway that afternoon Case and I got back together because we didn't want to lose each other.
I think part of the reason was that we got back together on the telephone and hadn't actually seen each other or kissed and maybe I felt like our relationship hadn't really changed, but the next thursday night I got very very drunk at uni bar and Timmy kissed me again (please take note that he kissed me first, although it doesn't mean much).
So yeah I cheated on my boyfriend.
I told him two days later, the saturday night, then I spent a number of hours crying in John's bed. I was still really confused about that I wanted. I mean I loved casey so much but whenever I thought about the relationship I only remembered the bad things that happened. And Timmy was somebody new who was around and who was my age (turns out not necessarily a good thing) and who I didn't have all these bad memories when I thought about him.
I told Case on the Saturday and he came to visit the next wednesday. We were broken up by then but we still did things as if we were together (not trying to hide the breakup or anything, just clinging to good times i suppose). It was uncomfortable when he arrived but we kissed and all that stuff, not in public though.
So he left on the saturday and we haven't spoken since. Okay so it's only been 2 weeks and 1 day but it feels like an eternity. It's hard when you've spoken to this person almost every day for the past 9ish months. Who am I supposed to talk to now?
I've been seeing Timmy. Some things worry me though. Like I know i'm not over Case because I think about him all the time and miss him terribly, when i'm with Timmy I don't think about him, so is that the reason i'm with Timmy? I mean I don't think Timmy's my type, but I never really though Case was my type, but we fit. John reckons Case and I shouldn't be together, and I know I should not necessarily listen to his opinion but he's my friend and I have to at least hear it. And Timmy didn't know that I had a boyfriend when he kissed me that night at the bar. So it's not his fault. But it worries me slightly that he didn't seem to be worried about it. The next time I saw him I told him (he'd already found out) and I asked if he wanted to know the situation but he said he didn't want to so we left it. I think the fact that I can now call myself a cheater says something about the kind of person I am (or have become recently) and I would expect somebody who possibly wants to date me to care about that somehow. He didn't seem to at all. Or maybe i'm wrong and because he already knew he'd already thought about it and decided that it shouldn't matter.
Being with Timmy makes me forget about Casey. Not completely but for a while I can pretend i'm not the worst person in the world. Just so everybody knows I am not proud of what I did at all and I completely hate myself which is why I have been crying almost every day since it happened. It's also the reason I havent handed in my essay that was due 2 weeks ago. It's the reason i'll probably end up failing at least one of my subjects.
I just can't function at the moment. I want to see him so much. I want to start again.
And today I decided to un-draft all my old blog posts so you guys can read back from the beginning if you really want to. So I skim read a couple of old posts and they are mainly about Case from this time last year and I didn't realise how much stuff we went though last year together, i'd completely forgotten. I think if Case was living here we would have never broken up and we would both be happy. He told me though, when he visited, that if we broke up then it was for good and there would be no getting back together.
And now I would feel bad about hurting Timmy's feelings if I was to tell him I was going to chase after Case. I don't want to hurt anyone but i'm hurting everyone.
And John is completely convinced that Timmy and I have slept together which is completely untrue. But I cannot convince him otherwise so I shall give up and Timmy can be seen as a manly man who closes the deal. Urgh.
Strangely enough i'm not crying right now, and I haven't cried as i've written this post. Maybe because i've thought about it so much, maybe i'm all cried out, or maybe i'm just too completely tired and stressed out.
And it's Case's birthday at the beginning of June, and I really want to be able to buy him a present but I know it's probably the wrong thing to do. There are two things I was thinking of getting him and he would like either of them, i'm just not sure he would like either of them for me.
So just for the record these past two weeks, even longer because i've been torn ever since timmy kissed me, so these past six weeks have been the most excrusiatingly painful weeks of my life, nothing is working out and if I was still emo I would have been cutting myself like crazy (good thing I got over that a while ago). I don't really remember how to be happy.
After writing all this down im imagining that all my friends who read this blog now hate me and think im a terrible person and I know I deserve all those thoughts. But its still not a nice feeling. And I am going to feel this way for a very long time to come.
I've seen Case on msn a couple of times in the past two weeks (3 times I think) and the last two times he's been on (the last time was this morning) I sit there with the window open writing messages to him and then deleting them instead of pressing enter, with the hope that I will accidentally send him the message, or he will have the window open too and he'll see that i'm writing him messages and know that I do want to be in contact with him. The reason I don't send the messages is that I don't know how he is and if he's getting over me I don't want to talk to him and ruin that if he is.
I've always been a big imaginer of things that could happen, usually they're bad things that would happen to me, sometimes i'm the damsel in distress. Lately i've been hoping that a car doesn't stop at either of the Zebra crossings I live near and it smacks me right in the side. Who would I want to be around? Duh casey of course. I'd want him to be sitting by my side holding my hand when I wake up. Talking to me in hushed tones and giving me kisses on the forehead.
When I'm with Casey in my room there is no other place I want to be. I don't want to go to class, I just want to lie with him forever and go nowhere and do nothing except be with him. Is that what love's like? Because if it is i'm completely in love with Bryce Felstead.
It still doesn't change that I did an inexcusable thing to him and I really don't deserve him. So i'm just gonna stay in my room, not study and fail all my exams, and cry every day. I'm gonna go waste my life now.
* Reactive *
I changed my template again because I got such a negative reaction to the other one. Hope this one is better. Let me know what you think :)
* Reactive *
I changed my template again because I got such a negative reaction to the other one. Hope this one is better. Let me know what you think :)
