29 April 2006
* Beauty in me *
Cross-legged on the front lawn she's had a bad pill
The lights of the city they can all go to hell
It'll all come good if she can put in the hours
She wants to get into film but it's gonna take years
She wishes she wrote songs like the ones that you hear
The boys are all 20 and they leave her on the edge
And she's telling herself "They'll see,
They'll see the beauty in me
They'll see the beauty it's in my soul"
Her lift is waiting she'll be there soon
Rocking forwards and backwards eyeballing the moon
Unwired like a child of the rich
She's pretty and long and part of the scene
Playing with her phone like it's a rosary
Should get up and take them all on now
First she can tell them why she's so sad
Why this girl is crying
Of all the excuses that she's ever had
Well she's nearly 20 and so very old
* Reflections. *
I feel really different.
I feel really different from when I started at uni.
I feel really different from high school.
I was walking around civic last night and I saw all these people in clubs laughing and having a good time and drinking and hugging and kissing and all those sorts of things. And then I realised how much I DON'T want to be one of them.
I miss who I was before I started here at uni. I don't like people who drink themselves stupid, it's not a good thing. I don't want to be one of them.
* No secrets on Res. *
The reason I blog, is that I need some way to try and make sense of everything that happens. I need to sort it out in my head and by writing it down this problem is usually solved. It stops me from being confused, or as confused.
So I had an assignment due at 5pm today, which meant I was sitting up until 2:30 in the morning trying to get it done. So i'm sitting at my computer looking out the window (coz thats pretty much what I do when i'm working) and I can hear this girl, she's either crying or laughing I can't actually tell. A couple of minutes later I see Adam out there and he's walking back and forward with this girl, and now I can tell that she is crying, she's really upset. Saying things like "fucking bastard" in German (coz she's from germany duh). They walk back and forward a couple of times and they eventually go inside and disappear.
I feel as if i'm part of some problem that I know absolutely nothing about.
I don't know how to start writing about this. I have about 6 first sentences in my head but none of them lead into actual paragraphs. It's confusing.
I suppose it started on Tuesday. I blogged previously about the weird stuff with Bryce and I know that I took the post away but i'm hoping you've read it or you might not understand. For those who have just joined us, he has a problem but it's only a minor problem so he doesn't want to raise the issue because that will make it a major problem.
It was weird when we spoke for a minute on Wednesday. He was just coming back from work and on his way up to see his friend who is staying with him at the moment. She's up for 5 days (wed to sundayish), sleeping on his floor. #1 strange was the fact that when his brother came up I was introduced and everything.
So I couldn't stand the un-talking on thursday. I was stressed and I got like absolutely no work done on Wednesday. So I left him a voicemail on Thursday night at about 10 or 11 ish telling him that I wanted to talk about stuff to make it un-weird. He doesn't often check his voicemail so he didn't reply. At about 1amish he was on msn so I told him that I sent him a voicemail. He asked if I wanted to talk now and I said it was as good as time as any so he came to visit. I thought it a little strange that he brought his Pyjamas but I ignored it.
We had a conversation.
The conversation had a couple of paragraphs. Started with the "this is not about sex" one, briefly touched on the "what is this that we're doing?" and then ended with the "I don't want to make it a big issue because it's not".
So about half an hour later we were kind of okay, not absolutely great. He told me that because he had his friend staying I probably wouldn't see him very often. That's why I found the brother thing interesting. I can meet the brother but not the friend who is a girl.
Apparently he got plastered that night. I think I heard him in the courtyard at some point. Shannon told me he was wandering around her floor drunk at some ungodly hour. I get a call from him at 3:30AM (I had just fallen asleep at 2:30) where he asks if I wrote a note on his door. I'm like "huh?", so I tell him I know nothing about it and then I go back to sleep.
I saw him for 2 minutes today, Caitlin and John and I were going to find Jeremy and see if he was coming out tonight but there were a mass of people in the R-top common room that we had to walk through so Caitlin and I waited at the back while John went to see him. Bryce was there at the back and we exchanged a number of syllabls (yes I know I dont know how to spell that). It was odd. Even caitlin said it was odd after we left the common room.
=========
So lets try and get to the bottom of this shall we?
Adam is a very useful source of information, he seemed to know a large amount of details about the events of the night. Talking to Adam in the cab back from Civic tonight he promptly informs me that the girl he was talking to in the courtyard (the one who was all upset) was Bryce's friend who's staying with him. Interesting, no? Anyway she was actually angry at him. He was the reason she was crying and so upset.
From what I could gather from Adam's scatty details Bryce told her that he was going to the bathroom and then disappeared for about half an hour...
... i think that was when he went to my room.
Apparently he was supposed to go out with her or something but didn't. So anyway, she was completely pissed btw, after Adam and she left the courtyard Adam took her up to Bryce's room coz she left her phone in there, apparently he still was not back.
I really don't know what happened next, or anytime after.
But at some point before 3:30 in the morning when he called me, someone wrote "Player" on his door. He rushed out when he saw it, apparently asked his friend if she wrote it, then asked adam, then called me.
Now for the record he has told me NONE of this information. This is all stuff i've gathered from gazing out my window and my chivalrous knight adam (who gave me his coat for some of the night tonight). He didn't even tell me what was written on his door.
My interpretation of the series of events.
The things that my mind picks up on:
- he asked her if she wrote "player" first.
- he asked adam second, who he knew was talking to his friend
- things were weird in the common room this night
- he doesn't seem to want me to meet this friend.
I suppose he's really not my type.
27 April 2006
* Calvin and Hobbes *
I know it doesn't make much sense anymore. But it had to be done. Just like this Marketing Case Study that has to be finished. By 3:30 torrow. And I have lectures from 8:30 to 3:30 tomorrow. So it has to be finished tonight. And handed in in my one hour break between lectures.
Uni doesn't seem very real at the moment.
So apologies go out to all those avid readers who are counting on my next installment of "Ressie Love Life". It's going on hietus for a while. I am, however, willing to bring you a customised version called "Ressies Life".
I really need to go to bed, or have some dinner. Hmmm. I had breakfast/lunch at 5pm (two toasted sandwhiches with cheese, tomato, lettuce and cucumber) so it was kind of dinner as well. I don't have much money to buy food see, so i'd rather not eat. But I am rather hungry now. Possibly I could have something to eat. Hmmm... nutella on bread? No, mmm I feel like Jam on bread. But I don't have any Jam. Hmmm... no, I think it's a bit too early in the morning to wake someone up begging for their jam. Ooh and it's probably not that nice either. But mmmmm I feel like jam.
Watched the boys play pool today, John and Damian. They totally sucked, took them an hour for one game of snooker. It was horrid. Nah, it was funny actually. Watched Spics and Specks with Damian in his room later, I tried to suffocate him with his shoes and socks and he accidently wacked me in the face with his fist. Actually it was quite funny.
Did I mention that I fell off the bed the other day? Actually maybe it was this morning? Actually yes it was. Time has practically stopped since i've been at uni, i'm getting my days confused and at this rate it's going to take me 30 years to get a degree.
Hopefully going out with Stephy on friday. Should be lots and lots of fun. As long as it gets off the ground that is.
26 April 2006
* =( *
I want to go home.
* Grows Trees *
After I finished posting last night I went downstairs to Damian's room, John and John were there and the three of them were watching band of brothers so I joined them. Lots of shooting and people dying. It was great.
Anyway I couldn't concentrate very much and decided to go up and call Bryce from my room. So I went upstairs, sat on my bed for a couple of minutes and decided I didn't want to call him. So I went to his room instead. Stood outside the door for a good 10 seconds before I had the courage to knock. He unlocked the door which is a sign that he didn't really want to talk to anyone since it was locked in the first place. I went inside, stood at the door and asked if he had a problem with me.
He seems to think that he does everything in this relationship. What does he want me to do? Buy him a chicken to show that I care? Oh wait, i've already done that. I don't know. I'm trying. But this is my first anything and i'm finding it kind of difficult. He's never once asked if I wanted to go out to civic, or to a party on his floor. I've never been invited to anything like that. Once they were talking about a cocktail party on Rtop in front of me and one of the girls invited me but I declined. He was right there next to me, not even a "you should come" or "yeah do you want to?". We hang out together but we never really go out together. It's always him going out with his friends or me going out with my friends. I invited him to the labour club with the guys once but he claimed he had work to do but when I dropped the paper up to him just before we were going to leave he was lying on his bed watching tv. I invited him to McDonalds when megan was up, but he did look very tired so he didn't come.
He didn't want to talk about the issue last night because he said it wasn't a major issue and if we talk about it it will become one. He said if it becomes a major issue we'll talk about it. But I think if it caused us to sit in a room and say nothing for two hours then it's a bit of an issue. And if it caused me to have weird dreams with him in them last night then it's a bit of an issue. I think his head was sticking out of the sink and he was talking mainly mumbo jumbo about 'super 3' which is mixing three beers together and then driving to the library and playing some kind of games.
I've cried four times since i've been at uni. Three of those times it's been because of him. But I suppose that's how it's supposed to work.
So after our little 'conversation' (I only stayed for 10 minutes) I went back down and watched more TV with the boys. We hadn't resolved anything so i'm still in the same state of mind about the whole situation that I was during the 2hour silence.
Have I not being taking any initiative with the relationship? You guys know me pretty well, i'm not pushy, i dont like to be pushy, I try not to be pushy. I called him three times yesterday to ask if he wanted to watch Supernatural with me, the first time I asked him outright and he dropped in for about 10 minutes about 30 minutes after I called, he was on his way to the labour club to play 2up. The second time I called I was totally freaked out by the scary-ness of the show and he pretty much said "good luck" coz he was about to go cook dinner.
I don't know how much of my opinion of my personality is true. I could be nothing like the person I think I am.
I've only had that 'depressed' feeling once this year. Got it last thursday when I was happy my knives are all in the kitchen, and when I sat in the bottom of my wardrobe watching Gilmore Girls for a couple of hours. I used to get it all the time through school, it probably developed for me around year 9, maybe 10 and went all throughout highschool. Got pretty bad in year 12. Something snapped in my at Uni though. My confidence went way high and I was happy. It's kinda dropped back down now. I'm feeling very EMO at the moment. It's just a feeling of complete worthlessness. I feel that i'm a terrible person and that everybody is better than me. A bit part of it is self-image, I generally feel that i'm ugly and fat and all those horrible things which makes me feel terrible.
I don't really want to talk to anyone when i'm in that mood. When I was at home I used to sit under my desk (year 11 phase mainly) or go down to the bush and sit for a while (year 12). I would blast Bon Jovi if I was angry or Evanescence if I was upset (which was generally the case).
Wow, this conversation is total over-share. You guys really don't need to know about this part of my personality.
25 April 2006
* The Bold *
So I, because I am the smartest person in the world, decide to watch Supernatural from the network in my room in the dark... at about 6pm. I was absolutely terrified. By the half way point in the episode i'd already called casey and caitlin for reassurance that my eyes were not going to start bleeding from their sockets.
I pause the episode and turn on my desk lamp, it's a start. Then i put on both my slippers, quickly grabbing them from the floor so the monster under the bed cannot get me. Then i jump to the door and quickly switch on my bedroom light. Slowly, i turn and look in the mirror, nothing's there. I grab a jacket, shove it on and quickly leave the room.
I went down to visit Damian but he was in total stress mode or something and I knew I wasn't wanted to I didn't stay. Then I went up to Bryce's. He's eating so I sit with him in the common room for a bit, then he's playing pool "1 game", "just one more game", "just one more". [I was fine with this at the time but now coz i'm in a bit of a shitty mood i'm using it as ammo against him. It's probably not fair].
Then we go to his room and hang out for a while. It's all good for about half an hour and then...
Me: "Argggg" (kinda pirate style, u know how I mean)
Him: "stop saying that"
"what should I say then?"
"say hey"
"hey"
"say hey baby"
"hey"
"no say hey baby"
"hey baby"
And he didn't say another thing to me for two hours. 10 minutes after that conversation he was on the computer, fine, I assume he's checking something, I assume that he'll sit back on the bed later. He doesn't. I stay on the bed, i'm tempted to leave but my thinking goes that if he has a problem with me then he can ask me to leave and tell me why he wants me to go. So I stay throughout the Simpsons, throughout Futurama, and through the entire of the OC which is a fine show but it's nothing special. I'm just as happy to miss it. I left after Rove's monologue, I didn't have the guts to ask the simple question "do you have a problem with me?" or just "whats wrong?". I couldn't say either of those things and it took me 20 minutes before I could actually get up the guts to leave the room. I tried to run when he was on the phone to Jeff but he hung up before I could make it out the door. I ended with
"I'm gonna go do some work"
"Ok. *pause* Just using me for my TV then"
And I left.
All I want to do now is go for a walk around the lake but I know it's night and I know it's not safe around there by myself. I could ask Adam to go with me but he's probably working and anyway then there would be talking to do. I can't ask Caitlin coz she's too far away and she's working. I could ask Damian but that also may involve talking. I might go down and hang out with him for a bit now.
Should I call? All I have to do is pick up the phone, dial four little digits and ask "so do you have a problem with me?" but I don't know if I want to go there.
Ironically it's actually two months tomorrow since first kiss. It feels like sooo much longer.
I'm asking honestly, what did I say in the first conversation that could have pissed him off? Is there some big no-no that I said that I'm totally oblivious of? Anyone care to spell it out?
23 April 2006
* Eat Fresh. *
I still find it odd when people remember my name. Like people i've spoken to before but maybe not for a while. Treb called me Wilson today. I got back from dropping Megs at Jolimont and there's a group of boys tossing a football around. John sees me and he waves and then Treb sees me and he says 'Wilson!'
Sorry, I just thought it was really cool. And at the fire alarm we had on Saturday morning Bluey's there and he walks past and says "Hey Wilson".
So maybe I get noticed a bit more than I think.
I've always thought of myself as being invisible to people who aren't my good friends. I've never thought of myself as very important in the area of social existance.
I've stopped pondering recently. Most of my pondering is done on my blog and on public transport but I havent pondered on this blog since I created it.
Ooh and for the record I've been blogging for over 3 years. I'm so odd.
* Stop. *
So Megan met Bryce. And I met Anthony.
And yeah, that's all you get.
