02 June 2007
* The night turned completely into a pancake. Flat. *
It's taken me 8 hours to pick my timetable for next semester. You would know that if you have facebook and have been on it recently.
So last night was a bust boy-wise. I didn't even know he was on Arscott until the fire alarm went off and everyone had to go outside. He kept walking away from me at the bar so I was like standing around by myself. Good thing I know a gazillion people at the bar these days so I can always really find someone to talk to. I danced with Ben for a little bit but then he went off to find Timmy so I went walking.
Caitlin and I were going to cook pancakes beforehand for everyone. We planned them to get to arscott at about 8:30 so they could be late dinner/dessert. Well they didn't arrive until past 9 and when they got here they said it was too late for pancakes and we shouldn't bother cooking them. I was slightly annoyed because the whole plan for the night started with pancakes, I was ready to cook at 8:30 and I hadn't eaten dinner coz i'd been studying with Silvia till 8. So I made one batch and it wasn't exciting and I cooked it all by myself and I was sad.
Timmy crashed at my place, he just assumed he was going to, he didn't ask but I kinda assumed he was going to also. We cooked pasta when we got back. I had to walk home in my socks coz my boots were hurting. I got more affection at the bar from Ben than from Timmy, the guy I am 'going out' with ('going out' is a term he used in a sms sent to myself, we haven't actually been out anywhere together unless you count the bar where it's really more like we coincidentally end up at the same place)
And btw there has been no sex. I don't know why I feel the need to make sure everybody knows that, but John doesn't believe me and it's driving me crazy. He wonders how we've spent so many nights in the same room and haven't ended up doing it. He's silly.
I think sex is no good without love. Okay sure I haven't done any research into the matter, the only guy i've slept with I was completely in love with and he was completely in love with me. Maybe I should rephrase then.
Love should come before sex. Love should come before kissing. I think first you should have friendship, then there should be falling in love, then a kiss, then eventually sex. I know that doesn't happen in probably any conventional relationships but I think it's something to strive for. No I do not love Timmy, therefore no sex. I also have other sex rules, want to know? No it's not gross or anything.
Sex Rule #1
Must be in official relationship eg boyfriend/girlfriend capacity
Sex Rule #2
Must be at least 3 months after first kiss (it probably doesn't seem like long, or maybe it does, but it's just time time i've picked)
Sex Rule #3
No socks
I think #3 is the most important one. Sex is just weird with socks on. You can't be wearing socks if you're not wearing pants. Too strange. It's like an old-person thing. Ergh.
Wow I seem to be talking about sex a lot. Oh well.
So i've been wearing my heart necklace that Casey gave me for christmas lately. The chain it was on kept coming undone (a sign maybe?) so I put it on another chain but last night at the bar I pulled the chain accidentally and it broke (possible also a sign). I was at the shops today so I bought another chain. :) This is me sticking it to fate and saying "fuck you! I'm holding onto this relationship for as long as I fucking well want and you are going to just sit there and watch me. I don't care how bad it is for me, or what John says, or how mean i'm being to Timmy. I'm gonna screw up my life and feel like shit and there's nothing you can do about it"
Think i'm going to change the photos on my wall next semester. Print off some new ones and stick them up and take some down coz I have heaps from just a couple of events. Argh its freezing and I have to go to the bathroom.
Okay im back. With a jacket and an empty bladder. All is good.
I saw this awesome ring in Prouds today. It was really pretty and fantastic and I want it. But its like $170 and i think jewellery is much better when somebody buys it for you. So if you are my friend and feel like spending lots and lots of money on me then ask little John or Caitlin to point out the ring to you :) My birthday is only 128 days away :) :)
Hehehe I cooked pasta while drunk last night. I musnt've been too bad. I managed not to burn myself. Ooh Joe called me sexy last night. :) Awesome! He didn't say it to my face either, so he wasn't trying to get into my pants or anything, he was talking to someone else about me. I've never thought of myself as being able to be 'sexy' before. I think sometimes when my hair is right and i'm wearing something nice I can be 'cute' or maybe even 'pretty' if my hair is really good and it's kinda dark. Never thought of myself as 'sexy' or even 'hott'. It's too weird.
I have four days of class next semester :( It's crappy. I've managed to have my timetable so I get all day wednesday off and mondays I start at 4:30 so I can keep working the same times i'm working this semester. S'long as I can get from work to uni in 30minutes on mondays. It's possible. But the stupid 'Investments' lecture is on Fridays which sucks coz I shall be mostly hungover for it. But I think it'll be good too because it means i'll be forced to have quieter nights and actually do uni work on fridays. I only have one tute on thursdays so thats good but it's in the middle of the day and I can't really change it so I can't work then. Good though coz again I shall be forced to walk to uni and then I can stay there and work work work. :)
Class is from 4:30 to 8pm on mondays
9:30-6:30 with a 2hr gap and a 1hr gap on tuesdays
one hour on thurdays
and two hours on fridays
awesome! Tis as long as I get all my first choices though.
I'm doing two subjects the same as Silvia but I will probably only be in one of her tutorials coz i cant have my 'leadership' one when she's having hers coz I shall be @ work probably.
Can't do the stats subject that I wanted to do coz it would mean i'd have class mondays and thursdays and tuesdays and wednesdays which means never being able to work. Maybe next year or something.
I haven't cried in a couple of days. Since last Sunday actually. It's nice not to be crying all the time. On sunday I was bawling bad and then I ended up falling asleep. I think that's a good way to stop crying. It's kinda like you end it. Like by falling asleep you end the sadness and wake up and everything is all new. Like rain during the nighttime.
I've just been thinking. And geez i'm glad there's no chance i'd have to date myself. I think it would drive me absolutely bonkers. The same reason i'm glad I don't have to be friends with myself. I'm happy enough moving through life completely detesting my own self. It's other people who have to/choose to be nice to me.
I should be in bed. I'm gonna go sleep now and set my alarm to force myself to wake up in the morning and turn it off before getting back into bed and falling asleep again. It's just one of the subtle ways I show myself that i'm a bad person.
Anyway please leave me some comments, I know my posts aren't exactly input-inspiring. Hows my spelling going? And my punctuation? I know it sucks but maybe you can tell me exactly where I suck so I can try and make this blog more "smart-person friendly".
30 May 2007
* Booyah *
So i'm not writing anything comment worthy these days? Or am I writing too often and you guys all have lives and more important things to do than check my blog every day. That makes quite a bit of sense.
Short post, figured i'd just say hi before bed. my eyes are hurting so I figured i'll hit the hay. I think its from the creaming soda, got a sugar headache now. Annoying.
Riddle: Can anyone guess why 31 is my favourite number at the moment?
Oh and the security guard was working today, he didn't come into the store but I saw him walk past about 4 times and when I arrived Cassie said he'd been looking into the store to see if I was working. hehehe. It's funny. Not sure what i'm going to say next time I talk to him though. Coz I wasn't exactly sure before but i'm kinda going out with Timmy now. I feel bad.
Anyway having Pancakes tomorrow and going to the bar coz i'm stupid and don't want to pass any of my exams after all. Nah my reasoning is that it'll probably be the last bar night that I won't be all stressed wondering if Case is gonna be around and all that stuff. Figured i'd treat myself while I can. Think i'll go straighten my hair now. It's annoying but if I do a quick crap job it'll only take like 20minutes. And then I can have a nice sleep. My neck is hurting.
Hehehe listen to me complain. It's fantastic. :) :) Three cheers for complaining. :)
So uh... I'm working on this Channel 10 post. I was thinking bout it walking to work tomorrow and often the posts I come up with while i'm not at my computer completely fall through and end up being crap when I try to type them, or I even just forget. Im calling it the Channel 10 posts coz it's gonna be like "I believe..." etc etc.
Hehehehe. Was gonna do washing tonight. Probably should have but i'll do it on friday. Along with buying boots, diane's present and studying studying studying. I heart study :)
Neck still hurting. Watching/Listening to Harry Potter. Should put more photos on my iPod. Will do it some other day when i'm not completely drowning in life.
29 May 2007
* Pop Star! *
So any thoughts on my quiz and my album? I think i've finished tweaking the album for now. I've added in 'next' and 'back' buttons and if you click each photo you get taken back to the gallery main. I'm pretty happy with it. Takes ages to do the photos though because i have to resize them to both sizes etc etc. Probably won't upload any more for quite a while. The quiz isn't finished. I hate how it's centered but I remember trying to un-center it last time i used it in a template and it took forever and I never actually figured out how to do it. So I'm putting of the attempt until I can be bothered. Im thinking of putting in a page you go to once you've finished the quiz that lets you post your scores on a tagboard. Gives us a bit of a record. How does that sound?
Can you guys think of anything else I should put in? I'm trying to make it all cool and impressive and with gazillions of pages and stuff.
So yeah today was a futile attempt to get work done. Went to the library and actually got some work done but then Timmy sent me a message so haven't done much work since then. Stupid Finance assignment that I put millions of effort into I only got about 70%. And Silvia got a better mark than me which is normal but I really thought I would do okay for this one.
I'm dropping GBR. Have to.
I put my heart necklace from Casey on a new chain so it stops coming undone and falling off. I like wearing it because I feel protected but I feel bad wearing it when i'm hanging out with Timmy. As I should.
Getting drunk on Thursday and having Pancakes for dinner as long as I get a certain amount of work done. I think I shall be working like crazy tomorrow after work. I work better in the library but I don't really want to walk all the way up there at 6 tomorrow coz i'll be walking home in the dark and cold. I probably should though. Shall see how I feel.
I'm missing everyone. Can't wait till holidays when i shall get to go out and hang out and be cool and remember how things used to be. I really really need some perspective. Not sure if I should tell Timmy that i'm going on a holiday with my ex-boyfriend in September. I will tell him. I want him to know. But i'm not going to tell him till after this holiday. Its better if I tell him next semester anyway coz the situation will be really different if Casey's around.
I hear you. I know what you're saying: "Wilson stop talking about men and get over yourself".
You know what kind of mood i've been in for the past while? I've been in the mood to think about life, real life decisions, like buying a house, getting married, lol i'm in the mood to have kids. Hehehe. No i'm not pregnant. I think if I was pregnant I would not be in the mood to have children. Rather ironic. I'm probably in the mood to start a family because at the moment its not really possible.
When Case and I were on the phone we somehow started talking about families. Not exactly sure how we got onto the subject (we have spoken about it in the past though) but it was slightly odd. In the past it's always been "our kids". You know, the kids that we would have together, and when we spoke we pretty much went back to that. Was nice to pretend for a bit. Till he realised and changed the subject.
Really don't know how i'm going to have a relationship with Timmy next semester if Case is around. I just have no idea what it's going to be like. He leaves the country on Thursday night. I send him his birthday present yesterday. Cost me $11.60 in postage coz it was heavy. Hope he likes it.
I wanna be in a rock band. Or any kind of band. I could like totally be a pop star. Lol.
28 May 2007
* Goodday *
I had a good day today. I think I possibly won't go to sleep crying tonight.
So... I called Casey last night. I just felt like I had to talk to him. So I sent him a sms asking if I could talk to him and if he'd prank me i'd call him back. So then he didn't reply. Then he was on msn and I started talking to him but he didn't reply and after about 10minutes of me talking to a brick wall he went offline. Of course I didn't take either of those things as signs so I called him. He hung up on me so of course I then burst into tears. Then he sms'd me telling me it was an accident so I called him again. We were on the phone for 2 and a half hours. And it was the best two and a half hours i've had in the past month. It was also very expensive. :( Oh well.
We just talked about random stuff, about his work, my work, my uni, his trip. Etc etc. Sometimes the conversation was upsetting, and I cried a bit. He said he'd been good this past week and was getting over me. I said that was good. It sucks I reckon. I told him that I'd been having a break down and he was all nice and didn't believe that i'd been crying every day for the past three weeks but he told me that if I needed someone to talk to he would always be around and he asked if i'd been cutting myself again. He was nice to me. We spoke about Elefant and Chicken and I asked if I could send him a birthday present and he said that would be okay. He told me that i'm smart and I will be able to do my exams as long as I start studying. He reassured me which is what i've been needing lately. So we hung up at about 1am and I went to sleep and had big dreams and woke up all cheerful.
So yeah at work today I was just doing my normal being bored on a monday, dancing to the boppy music, trying on shoes when nobody is in the store because i have nothing to do etc when the new security guard walked into the store. I hadn't seen him before but Natasha had told me that he existed. He came in and we chatted and hahahahahahaha he asked me out on a date. Lol. I thought it was funny. He has to be like 25ish, he offered to cook for me and pick me up this weekend. I was very chiffed. I told him I was busy this weekend (coz of stupid exams) but I said maybe in the next couple of weeks. Hehehehe. And I was having an ugly day too. I told Natasha when she came back after getting chocolate and she was sooooo jealous. It was funny. I got his number and gave him mine. Don't know if i'll go out with him though. Not something I can really afford to think about right about now.
Anyway Natasha's in love with the 3 guy but we think the other 3 guy is in love with her.
27 May 2007
* Maybe. *
Lost is now going to be crap because Charlie is dead. I hate Jack, he's stuid. I like most of the other characters but I love Charlie and the stupid stupid plot now sucks wang.
I'm blogging again today. I know, it's bad. There are other more important things that I should be doing. I really don't care about uni anymore. Not really caring if I fail all my classes. Only care about the embarassment of having to do them again. Organisational Performance is one I could probably pass. I did get a distinction for my essay. Not sure how i'll go for participation marks but if I do an okay exam I should get away with not having to repeat it. Accounting doesn't really matter because it was an (accidental) elective so if I fail it I could either do it again or do something different.
I hate GBR but it's the most likely fail since I havent done the essay. It's the subject I would have to put the most effort into to get a pass. Business Finance is a bit of a bitch but it's doable. So lets think about this. I can focus on Finance and OP and see how I go. I shall have a whole week to study for my accounting exam (- 3 days i'm working) so I can totally forget about that until i've finished the others. Maybe I can get away with just failing GBR.
That would be alright. I don't have to be completely perfect. My dad said he failed a couple of units when he went to uni because of a girl. So maybe it's okay if I do it too. Is it okay?
I just want to call him. It's absolutely pathetic and I know reading this back in a couple of years i'll be wondering why i was acting like such a weiner. And I know you guys are probably thinking the same thing right now. But at the moment I can't help it. This past month has been the worst month is my life in every way possible. I want to go home. I just want to call him to ask how he's doing and what he's been up to and catch up on his life. And to tell him about work and uni and how I'm totally remembering last years Op Shop ball and how we both kissed other people.
Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid.
Im not calling him though because I know that would be selfish. He doesn't want me to talk to him because he's trying to get over me. And I think I have to let him. Nomatter how crap it's making me feel right now. I owe him that.
He leaves the country on friday anyway so I won't even be able to contact him if I chose to. It's his birthday on Saturday. It would have been our 1 year anniversary a week from tomorrow.
Think everything will be okay?
* answer? *
I had this dream last night with Casey in it. It felt so real. There were a bunch of people hanging out in R-top and he just walked in. Apparently he was visiting. We kinda said hello and walked up to each other and he gave me a hug. We hugged for like ages and it was fantastic.
Do you guys like my new photo album? Or my quiz? I want to un-center the quiz but last time I tried it took ages and I don't think I could do it.
Depressed again. Wish life was better. I just want to call Casey and talk to him, have a real conversation. I think that would make me feel better and put my life back on track.
