20 May 2007
* The Honest and Ugly Truth *
So I am trying this new thing called honesty.
Did I even tell you guys what happened? Like what happened between Case and I? I don't think I have, probably because I didn't want all my friends to know what an arsehole I actually am. But I think I should come clean, because I don't want anyone to think it was his fault that we broke up. I owe him that.
I cheated on him. Case and I have been officially broken up since the 2nd of January when he left Sydney and went back to Melbourne. We still talked almost every day though, filling each other in on how our lives were going and all that stuff. So it was rather like we were still together. But he wasn't around and I was trying to get used to that fact, I was going out and occasionally flirting. One week I got completely sick of missing him and thinking about him that I asked me friend John to find me a man. We went out three times that week (very unusual for us, but friday was the radio launch and we went to the lighty on wednesday) and over those three nights he introduced me to seven men (some he knew, some he didnt) to try and fix me up with them. It might have been the week after at Uni bar when he introduced me to his friend Timmy (for the second time), so we chatted because ran off somewhere and I was bored and Joly was there too and I absolutely love Joly. So anyway I was having a fine time chatting with the two of them (Joly & Timmy) so when all my friends left I didn't really mind that much, I was doing the BBQ for the radio at the bar so I really had to stay anyway. I knew enough people around not to be worried about walking home by myself. So anyway the night got on and I was tired and I asked the boys how they were going home and joly said he would probably sleep in his car which was back at arscott and I assumed timmy would sleep on johns floor. So us three took the shuttle bus back to arscott and spent about an hour banging on johns door trying to wake him up so they had somewhere to stay. Anyway to cut a long story short Joly slept in his car and Timmy ended up sleeping on my floor. Yes on my floor, not in my bed, nothing happened between us, we got along fine so I gave him a place to sleep. Because I am a nice person.
So anyway Timmy slept on my floor a second time in the following weeks. Then at the beginning of April there was an ID party in civic and we all went and Timmy kissed me. He slept in my room that night but we didn't sleep together. Geez I am NOT that easy!
I can't really remember exactly but I think Timmy and I kissed on another two occasions within two weeks. I was speaking to Case on the phone one day and he asked how many guys I had kissed and I couldnt lie so I told him what had happened. I was missing him so much that I called up Timmy the next day and told him we couldn't kiss anymore because I still had feelings for my ex and he was kinda shocked and a bit hurt. So anyway that afternoon Case and I got back together because we didn't want to lose each other.
I think part of the reason was that we got back together on the telephone and hadn't actually seen each other or kissed and maybe I felt like our relationship hadn't really changed, but the next thursday night I got very very drunk at uni bar and Timmy kissed me again (please take note that he kissed me first, although it doesn't mean much).
So yeah I cheated on my boyfriend.
I told him two days later, the saturday night, then I spent a number of hours crying in John's bed. I was still really confused about that I wanted. I mean I loved casey so much but whenever I thought about the relationship I only remembered the bad things that happened. And Timmy was somebody new who was around and who was my age (turns out not necessarily a good thing) and who I didn't have all these bad memories when I thought about him.
I told Case on the Saturday and he came to visit the next wednesday. We were broken up by then but we still did things as if we were together (not trying to hide the breakup or anything, just clinging to good times i suppose). It was uncomfortable when he arrived but we kissed and all that stuff, not in public though.
So he left on the saturday and we haven't spoken since. Okay so it's only been 2 weeks and 1 day but it feels like an eternity. It's hard when you've spoken to this person almost every day for the past 9ish months. Who am I supposed to talk to now?
I've been seeing Timmy. Some things worry me though. Like I know i'm not over Case because I think about him all the time and miss him terribly, when i'm with Timmy I don't think about him, so is that the reason i'm with Timmy? I mean I don't think Timmy's my type, but I never really though Case was my type, but we fit. John reckons Case and I shouldn't be together, and I know I should not necessarily listen to his opinion but he's my friend and I have to at least hear it. And Timmy didn't know that I had a boyfriend when he kissed me that night at the bar. So it's not his fault. But it worries me slightly that he didn't seem to be worried about it. The next time I saw him I told him (he'd already found out) and I asked if he wanted to know the situation but he said he didn't want to so we left it. I think the fact that I can now call myself a cheater says something about the kind of person I am (or have become recently) and I would expect somebody who possibly wants to date me to care about that somehow. He didn't seem to at all. Or maybe i'm wrong and because he already knew he'd already thought about it and decided that it shouldn't matter.
Being with Timmy makes me forget about Casey. Not completely but for a while I can pretend i'm not the worst person in the world. Just so everybody knows I am not proud of what I did at all and I completely hate myself which is why I have been crying almost every day since it happened. It's also the reason I havent handed in my essay that was due 2 weeks ago. It's the reason i'll probably end up failing at least one of my subjects.
I just can't function at the moment. I want to see him so much. I want to start again.
And today I decided to un-draft all my old blog posts so you guys can read back from the beginning if you really want to. So I skim read a couple of old posts and they are mainly about Case from this time last year and I didn't realise how much stuff we went though last year together, i'd completely forgotten. I think if Case was living here we would have never broken up and we would both be happy. He told me though, when he visited, that if we broke up then it was for good and there would be no getting back together.
And now I would feel bad about hurting Timmy's feelings if I was to tell him I was going to chase after Case. I don't want to hurt anyone but i'm hurting everyone.
And John is completely convinced that Timmy and I have slept together which is completely untrue. But I cannot convince him otherwise so I shall give up and Timmy can be seen as a manly man who closes the deal. Urgh.
Strangely enough i'm not crying right now, and I haven't cried as i've written this post. Maybe because i've thought about it so much, maybe i'm all cried out, or maybe i'm just too completely tired and stressed out.
And it's Case's birthday at the beginning of June, and I really want to be able to buy him a present but I know it's probably the wrong thing to do. There are two things I was thinking of getting him and he would like either of them, i'm just not sure he would like either of them for me.
So just for the record these past two weeks, even longer because i've been torn ever since timmy kissed me, so these past six weeks have been the most excrusiatingly painful weeks of my life, nothing is working out and if I was still emo I would have been cutting myself like crazy (good thing I got over that a while ago). I don't really remember how to be happy.
After writing all this down im imagining that all my friends who read this blog now hate me and think im a terrible person and I know I deserve all those thoughts. But its still not a nice feeling. And I am going to feel this way for a very long time to come.
I've seen Case on msn a couple of times in the past two weeks (3 times I think) and the last two times he's been on (the last time was this morning) I sit there with the window open writing messages to him and then deleting them instead of pressing enter, with the hope that I will accidentally send him the message, or he will have the window open too and he'll see that i'm writing him messages and know that I do want to be in contact with him. The reason I don't send the messages is that I don't know how he is and if he's getting over me I don't want to talk to him and ruin that if he is.
I've always been a big imaginer of things that could happen, usually they're bad things that would happen to me, sometimes i'm the damsel in distress. Lately i've been hoping that a car doesn't stop at either of the Zebra crossings I live near and it smacks me right in the side. Who would I want to be around? Duh casey of course. I'd want him to be sitting by my side holding my hand when I wake up. Talking to me in hushed tones and giving me kisses on the forehead.
When I'm with Casey in my room there is no other place I want to be. I don't want to go to class, I just want to lie with him forever and go nowhere and do nothing except be with him. Is that what love's like? Because if it is i'm completely in love with Bryce Felstead.
It still doesn't change that I did an inexcusable thing to him and I really don't deserve him. So i'm just gonna stay in my room, not study and fail all my exams, and cry every day. I'm gonna go waste my life now.
"You can't stop the beat" - Hairspray
TRACY
You cant stop an avalanche
As it races down the hill
You can try to stop the seasons, girl
But ya know you never will
And you can try to stop my dancin' feet
But i just cannot stand still
Cause the world keeps spinnin'
Round and round
And my heart's keeping time
To the speed of sound
I was lost til i heard the drums
Then i found my way
TRACY & LINK
Cause you can't stop the beat
Ever since this old world began
A woman found out if she shook it
She could shake up a man
And so i'm gonna shake and shimmy it
The best that i can today
'Cause you cant stop
The motion of the ocean
Or the sun in the sky
You can wonder if you wanna
But i never ask why
And if you try to hold me down
I'm gonna spit in your eye and say
That you cant stop the beat!
PENNY
You can't stop a river
As it rushes to the sea
SEAWEED
You can try and stop the hands of time
But ya know it just can't be
PENNY
And if they try to stop us, Seaweed,
I'll call the N Double A C P
Cause the world keeps spinning
Round and 'round
And my heart's keeping time
To the speed of sound
I was lost til i heard the drums
Then i found my way
PENNY & SEAWEED
Cause you can't stop the beat
PENNY & SEAWEED
Ever since we first saw the light
A man and woman liked to shake it
On a saturday night
And so i'm gonna shake and shimmy it
With all my might today
'Cause you cant stop
The motion of the ocean
Or the rain from above
You can try to stop the paradise
What I'm dreamin' of
But you cannot stop the rhythm
Of two hearts in love to stay
Cause you cant stop the beat!
EDNA
You cant stop my happiness
Cause i like the way i am
And you just can't stop my knife and fork
When i see a christmas ham
So if you don't like the way i look
Well, i |ust don't give a damn!
EDNA & ENSEMBLE
Cause the world keeps spinning
Round and 'round
And my heart's keeping time
To the speed of sound
I was lost til i heard the drums
Then i found my way
EDNA & COMPANY
'Cause you cant stop the beat
Ever since this old world began
A woman found out if she shook it
She could shake up a man
And so i'm gonna shake and shimmy it
The best that i can today
Cause you cant stop
The motion of the ocean
Or the sun in the sky
You can wonder if you wanna
But i never ask why
And if you try to hold me down
I'm gonna spit in your eye and say
That you cant stop the beat!
MOTORMOUTH
Oh oh oh
You can't stop today
As it comes speeding down the track
Child, yesterday is hist'ry
And it's never coming back
MOTORMOUTH & ENSEMBLE
'Cause tomorrow is a brand new day
MOTORMOUTH
And it don't know white from black
ENSEMBLE
Yeah!
MOTORMOUTH & ENSEMBLE
'Cause the world keeps spinning
'Round and 'round
And my heart's keeping time
To the speed of sound
I was lost til i heard the drums
Then i found my way
'Cause you cant stop the beat
ALL
Ever since we first saw the light
A man and woman liked to shake it
On a saturday night
And so i'm gonna shake and shimmy it
With all my might today
'Cause you can't stop
The motion of the ocean
Or the rain from above
They can try to stop ths paradise
We're dreaming of
But you cannot stop the rhythm
Of two hearts in love to stay
You can't stop the beat!
Aah, aah, aah
Aah, aah, aah
Aah, aah, aah
ALL
Ever since we first saw the sun
A man and woman like to shake it when the day is done
But we're gonna shake and shimmy it
And have some fun
For today!
ALL
Cause you can't stop
The motion of the ocean
Or the rain from above
You can try to stop the paradise
We're dreaming of
But you cannot stop the rhythm
Of two hearts in love to stay
'Cause you can't stop the beat!
You can't stop the beat!!
You can't stop the beat!!
You can't stop the beat!!
You can't stop the beat!!
